I’ve been slow to do this at the turn of the year. Not because I haven’t been thinking about it. In fact, I’m doing this because I think too much. And after reading a similar blog post “14 Fucks I Refuse to Give in 2014” https://medium.com/life-tips/494224e0f983 I decided to try it on myself.
This past year I grieved the loss of my father, decided to continue my 17-year teaching career after months of serious consideration of “what else could I do for a living?” (going back was one of the best decisions I ever made) started and have consistently continued a yoga practice, quit smoking, started smoking again, grieved, stopped, started, etc. So instead of resolving to start or stop doing anymore than I already have, I have instead considered what I spend the most time worrying and wondering about, and have decided it’s best to simply clear my mind out more in this upcoming year. I think yoga taught me this. Loss has taught me this. Simply put, I need to not give a damn a little more about certain ideas that clog up my head. Here goes.
14 mind-crowding ideas to let go of in 2014, i.e. what not to give a damn about (no particular order):
1. The wrinkles around my eyes. These lines are beautiful and hard earned, damn it. If my eyes tell my story, then the lines around them are the page numbers, or better yet, the punctuation marks. So, one filter per photograph allowed, but more than that means I’m playing digital Botox and need to stop.
2. What others (besides my students) think of my approach to teaching reading and writing. It’s revolutionary, I know. I teach kids to choose and read books they want to read, and to write about their lives in writer’s notebooks without constant giving them “prompts” or assignments. I’ll shrug challenges off. There are plenty of schools in the state and nation and I’m single digits away from retirement anyway.
3. That others know I don’t drink anymore. I don’t drink anymore. Going on 6 years. Trust me, the world is a better place because of this fact, and by world I mean the space between my ears.
4. Whether I dress my age or not. I don’t. Fuck it. Who cares?
5. If only I could manage well. I can manage a classroom, manage looking pretty good most days, keep an incredibly clean house, and manage to procrastinate myself into “Oh shit!” mode a lot when it comes to financial tasks or household “business.” It would serve my family and me better by not stressing so much about the fact that I’m not a great manager and maybe just take one task, one phone call at a time. I’d probably manage better if I weren’t trying to manage better.
6. That I need gobs of friends and to be busy all the time to be happy. It’s never been who I am. I’ve always had my few “go-to” girls, and I love being alone and can sit for hours doing nothing much and feel completely content. So maybe I could quit spending head time worrying that I need to be busier doing things with lots of different people.
7. Wondering if I am happy. Maybe if anytime I find the thought in my head I would just remember to answer “Yes!” would clear some space to be it.
8. Practice makes perfect. Progress not perfection. I think I need to get the word “perfect” out of my mind completely. Maybe I can just embrace practice makes progress.
9. Blaming the Internet. I have found myself angry and agitated because I know my mind works differently now because of my smartphone and the damn interwebs. I have seriously grieved the person I was before we were all so connected. I’m certain I was less agitated and thought differently. I often find myself angry because I also perceive a difference in the kids I teach now from the ones I had nearly 20 years ago. Which leads to…
10. That my version of the past is real. My own kids say things like, “Remember when…” and I don’t remember. I’ve got filters on my brain and can also use nostalgia as a weapon against myself too often. Maybe I can let the past just be and know that my own cerebrum may be fooling me most days.
11. That people change. They really don’t too much. They make adjustments and do things differently for themselves, but it’s none of my business if they do or don’t. I don’t really change that much. Even this list is a crapshoot and probably pie in the sky for me, why would expect different from others?
12. Wondering where the time went. I have had and do have plenty of time. Cliché, but staying out of my head more and just being present would serve me hugely.
13. That grief has a time period and I should stop crying. I’ll never be the same girl I was before my dad died. He was the most important man in my life, for my whole life, and is now gone. I’ll cry as long as I need to and quit trying to stop.
14. That this year will be better than the last. 2014 will have its ups and downs, it’s pushes and pulls, but it probably won’t be better or worse than last year and if I try and make it better…it’ll probably suck. Even in my worst years there was good stuff happening. And bad shit happened during some of the most exciting times of my life. Cliché, again, but I want to spend 2014 embracing everything that comes, holding myself strong above a yoga mat, grieving, writing, smiling hard with wrinkly eyes, and most importantly, not thinking so damn much.
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